Questions

Here's to a blog that is made up of little to no followers being the only way for a person of the highest level of frustrations, yet equal privacy to vent.

I have a question. One, which I am certain, I actually know the answer to, yet for some reason, feel still compelled for someone to share it with me. Perhaps though, interestingly enough, that is exactly the thing which I do not want. Enough with melodrama, the question:

Is it okay, even right, to at some point stop being right. I don't mean right, rather good, though in many contexts that is not what I mean either. Is there something to giving up. To no longer be the best version of yourself. To no longer try. And when that force that lives to come against you whirls in, you cave. Giving it exactly what it wishes to take, you. Is that ever okay? To give in and just walk away. To no longer fight and actually become the wrongful accusations passed against you that you can no longer handle. Your tough exterior that no longer exists is not there to block you and all of a sudden you find yourself lost in a battle, that, wish as you might, you cannot walk away from without walking away from yourself. So there's my question: is it okay to become what you hate and fight against daily, in order to survive.

Maybe asking a world that isn't listening is not the best way to go about this. Especially with no idea what the situation which compels the question is. But even if I did fill in the tedious details you, whomever you are, would be just as lost as I at finding the solution to the equation. Mine is a fight that is as old as the age of man.  One that philosophers, psychologists, anyone, could and have studied, yet the answer remains a mystery and unique to each situation, if one does indeed exist. Which only brings about more questions to think on. Is there an answer? Is it worth fighting for. Will I someday deeply regret the actions that I am taking, or will I suffer instead everyday wondering if there is ever peace from your enemies.

Oh to hate the one you love, is there worse a curse than this?

Do I choose survival or to live.

You stare at me like I hate you, but you break me every time we talk.

Does it matter if there is an answer after all? Why is survival without life and honestly, what is life without working your best to better everyone around you. But there comes a point where you have to choose. It is no longer a matter of giving yourself the oxygen first, so then you can help others. It is not who gets it first, but who gets it. Doing the right thing in this case is right, even though it feels so wrong. The poetic justice of life and our ever sinful natures right?

Leap

Are we just dancing around the inevitable or afraid to take the lead
I don't want to put my heart out there just in case it bleeds
I wish that I could say I feel safely incomplete
But without you by my side I just feel in need
I guess I just have to leap, Pretend it is all alright But I'm afraid the dark of darks is better than the night
But I'm guessing that this leap of faith will turn out better than the rest
All of which I can't complain, have been better than the best.

Smile Away

It’s funny to me that we think we are supposed to be happy all the time. By we I mean Christians. Joy is not always portrayed through a smile. But perhaps I am getting ahead of myself. I shall explain.

I have grown up going to church and to be honest with you, I am not all that fond of the practice. Because that is exactly what it appears to be: Practice. Practice at being happy, good, nice. The problem is there is an unfortunate lack of follow through in times that are not practice.

This, however interesting it may be, is merely foundational to my point and not the point itself. Thus we move on.

I have worked so hard for so many years to be everything that the church is not. I don’t want to be the quiet one who meekly agrees to anything, pretending that an opinion is something I do not possess. While, I will admit, I may have gone too far to the other side, expressing my opinion at every opportunity, I have since corrected my behavior and can now actually do something I disagree with without expressing such an opinion. That said I will move on to what I set out to share.

The question: how do we expect to portray a God of truth if all we offer are fake smiles and pleasant facades?

My point in saying that I grew up in church was not to criticize it. It was simply this: to portray that I have never been expected to sit back opinionless, with no say and slap a shiny smile on my face to tell the world that everything is okay! But I have recently found myself in situations that expect just that. Not from everyone, but one is enough.

I can’t help but feel repulsed by the hypocrisy of such an expectation. Did Jesus always smile? It’s a simple enough question, the answer almost equally as simple to find.

John 11:35 “Jesus wept.”

Matthew 21: 12 “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves.”

I doubt that in any of these scenarios Jesus had a ridiculous smile on his face.

My problem is this: if we claim to be living a life that is portraying Jesus, than should we not do that and do it accurately and whole heartedly?

Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

Do you think Jesus didn’t have his own opinions? He continuously argues with the religious leaders of the time, the Pharisees and Sadducees.

Did He have the right only because of who He is to express His opinion? Perhaps it is different than disagreeing with the way things are done in life or simply presenting an easier alternative, but does that make it wrong to do such things?

Hardly. If we were meant to figure everything out for ourselves, meant to be in charge with no need for help as so many people seem to strive to be, meant to control, than why did God not just make Adam and call it good because there is no need for anyone else if we are that self-sufficient.

There is nothing wrong with having an opinion. Let me say it again just in case it hasn’t quite sank in yet. There is nothing wrong with having an opinion. I am really glad I finally let that out. Revelation one: complete.

Revelation two: You can be joyful without smiling. You can even be joyful without being happy.

When I look at disease, poverty and orphaned children I am not happy. A smile is the farthest thing from me. Yet, I am still undoubtedly filled with the Joy of a God who loves me. Filled with Joy at my opportunity to live on this earth. Filled with Joy at the chance to make a difference in this world. I don’t need to smile to show the world that I’m joyful.

When presented with the thought of a constant smile playing my face I encounter the thought of performing. When on stage, unless you are supposed to be conveying a specific emotion, you are Always supposed to smile. Come mess up, fatigue or pain that smile remains painted across your face and you don’t even flinch. Annoying enough for the stage, but who would really want to live like that: a constant performance. Exhausting does not even begin to describe the feeling.

Please do not misunderstand my plea for honesty to mean that we should mope around, throw fits or constantly argue that we know the best. The only result I hope for, I pray pleadingly for, is this: that people will actually tell the truth. Not cover it up in some sugar coated reality just because they are a Christian and think that everything in their life is supposed to be going well.

We all have days where we just want to turn over when we wake up and go back to the peaceful illusions that accompanied us in our sleep. We all have moments that we just need to breathe without the stress of explaining anything. And we all have moments where we wish we could just throw our own version of a child’s fit, however that looks to us (I have no doubt you have the self-control to stop yourself but don’t tell me you don’t have the impulse).

I don’t think that we need to always speak our mind, nor that we should ever do so rudely. But I do think that we should be real enough to tell it like it is. I am tired of plastic faces and masks to painted on that the people wearing them have forgotten they are not actually their faces. I wonder sometimes if they even remember what they really look like. I don’t want to be that way.

I serve a God that is real. A God that loves and made me wonderfully full of emotions. Not to be a roller coaster of ups and downs but a real human being with a real heart, a real personality and some really REAl flaws.

That’s who I am a flawed human. Saved by grace. Welcomed into the arms of a loving Father. Equipped to do the will of God without grumbling but still perfectly myself and not afraid to offer my opinion when the time comes.

The point of Christianity is to follow a God that loves His children so deeply that He sacrificed everything for them. Our part is to show the world love and truth and hope. Fake smiles and pretending that we don’t hurt to a world that is so broken goes against everything that we hope to show. It is in itself a shadow that we cast over the light that we are hoping to show.

All I propose is this: That instead of faking our way through life and showing the world what we look like on stage, we show them our scars. All the things that hurt us. How we fail and fall down and break and show them how it is that we climb back up from the dust. How we heal and continue on with the cuts and bruises still so fresh and raw. That we show the world the love that heals us and continues to heal us every day even through the pain that we seem so afraid to show is there.

That’s all I want to see. The truth. Just a glimpse of reality. And maybe eventually that glimpse will grow into a steady stream of light until we are completely engulfed in the light of the truth.

Strength

Strength. It’s an interesting thing that sometimes doesn’t make sense in the way that we want it to. At least not the way that I want it to. In my eyes I have always been strong. Honestly, that has been the expectation from everyone around me as well. So whatever happened I put on a tough exterior and played it off as though nothing was wrong. Insult by insult, brick by brick, I built walls so high that there was no way for me to climb out of them. And so I settled in. Into the lies that held me down. Into the charade that I didn’t feel a thing. Until eventually, I didn’t.

You see, I was so afraid of being found weak that I allowed the hurt to break me in silence, while I pretended that nothing ever affected me. As the years built upon each other it became easier and easier to block myself in but not without a price. In order for nothing to affect me, nothing could affect me. Gone were the emotions that made me sensitive, passionate and caring. Gone were the feelings for anything or anyone.

I was in sleep mode. Hibernating through my life, not only forgetting to connect with anyone but to experience anything. Instead of trying I would sit back and wait. In lieu of interacting I would observe. And after the pain was no longer masked on the inside but subsided, I found myself a shell of a person with no one around.

No one knew me because I had forgotten myself.

My own desires lay to the side because I was so afraid of failing that I wouldn’t even try.

Empty. Alone. Broken. Into pieces that no longer fit together. That was my life.

I was a puzzle that not even I could solve.

The process of breaking down the walls was a long and bumpy ride. It was one that involved many people, experiences and a lot of healing hurts I hadn’t even realized existed.

The walls fell slowly at first. Layer by layer they were removed until the maze no longer existed. And quite suddenly I found myself free. But freedom is a new concept for me.

To me the lack of walls has left me exposed, sensitive and vulnerable.

I am sure there are many sensitive people and hearts in the world. I am also sure that there are ways to protect you without isolating yourself behind walls of protection.

The problem for me is that I have been so long inside the safety of walls that I have no idea how to react without reconstructing what was there before.

Here comes the question for strength.

Can I be strong without being so guarded that it at least seems as though nothing can move beyond my tough exterior?

Can I protect myself without hurting others and completely pushing them away?

Can I be strong and still break?

You see I am so afraid of pain, especially public pain, that I just don’t know how to take a risk.

Is there strength in allowing yourself to be broken? Is there strength in being able to pick up the pieces and reconstruct a new heart; a new joy? Of course? But is there a way to avoid the pain without being forever alone inside a house with only walls?

Can I break and still be whole? But do I have to break?

Can I, instead of guarding myself away, and instead of making myself completely open to pain, guard my heart?

Is there another way to protect myself that does not also hurt me in the future?

Can strength manifest itself in a different way than the one that I am used to? Is there something more outside of my comfort zone?

I feel as though I am simply repeating questions and that is probably because I am. And that is because I am afraid of the answer.

And perhaps this is a moment of humility; an opportunity to find strength in a new way.

But that brings us back to the question: what is strength?

Is it being so tough that nothing shakes you? Or is it being able to pick yourself up when something breaks you?

Maybe I should just let go. Of the control, of the securities; of the safety net that I surround myself with. Maybe then I will discover that strength is trust; the ability to stand in a situation without fleeing at the first sign of turmoil.

Not trust in myself though and my own ability to survive but trust in a God that will carry my heart in safety.

So what happens if I give my heart to God, wholly and completely?

Psalm 28:7 says “The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.”

The promise is there, the question is whether I will act on it and trust in his help.

Can I truly surrender all and give him complete control? Or will I allow the fear of failure, the fear of myself, stand in the way of living life in the fullest, most perfect way possible?

I think it is time I take a leap of faith and honestly give God the rights to my heart. No holding back if he lays something on it and no giving it away to anything myself.

Strength comes when I rely entirely on him. Only in making myself weak can I truly rely on the strength of the Lord. As new of an experience as that is for me I think that it is the only true, reliable strength there is.

Collect

There is a war within myself
A war between heart and mind

Where I fall away from the soul that is in me
Look back
Erase the past
Move away from all the thinking
That causes stumbling in the sand that pretends it understands

There is a hope within my grasp
The soul that reaches deep within me

I cannot walk away from the light

But the light I see in you is not for me to catch

The light within myself to put to rest

I hold onto the hope that rises up within me.

The peace I need

To which I cling so that I can contain

These things within my heart that my mind rejects

The war within myself I can expect

To fail loudly as myself I do collect.

Unmasked Beauty

This last Sunday we performed a showcase of some of our dances in Hilo. The shows went well and our mini, practice outreach was a great experience. I learned that love, grace, patience and growth will be a huge aspect of our actual outreach. But the most valuable lesson I learned was not from the performance, it was from the preparation.

You see to perform on stage you have to wear stage make-up. And what I learned this past weekend was about that very thing.

I have been dancing since the age of four and am quite accustomed to be forced to pile on make-up in order that I may be visible to the audience and all other members of outer space (all right so I am joking, but only a little). The thing about Hilo is, it was the first time I had ever applied stage make-up myself. Always, some other wonderful soul and volunteered to complete the horrendous task of masking me.

And you see that is exactly what I realized it was: a mask.

After completing my make-up (with help because I suck at putting on a ton and a half of make-up), I looked in the mirror and was truly disgusted and shamed at what I saw.

I looked ugly.

Don’t get me wrong I do not think I am the most beautiful woman to have ever lived. I l am not even sure that there is such a thing but my point is I am not conceited. I do, however, find myself a perfectly well looking human being.

But not on Sunday. No. Come time to ready myself for the stage and looking in the mirror for one last glance I was horrified at what I saw.

For the first time in my life, I thought that I was truly a completely unattractive human being. Not only plain looking, but truly ugly.

Though I was reassured I was not (Thank you Madeleine it helped quite a bit), I still felt as though I looked terrible.

While I must admit my self-outlook improved throughout the day, I was a little down on myself.

After our dancing was finished and I was done with my fraud appearance, I hurried to remove the layers of mask that plagued my skin.

As I washed away the last of my make-up and rinsed my face, I glanced in the mirror.

I was so relieved and grateful to find my actual face staring back at me.

What this moment taught me was so much more than a lesson of beauty and make-up application.

Here is what I realized and how it looked:

I realized that we do the same things in our own lives.

My whole life I have lived as though on a stage, with a need to be presentable and perfectly visible to my assumed audience.

The perfect layers that I surrounded myself in over the years reminded me so much of the make-up slathered across my face to create an illusion of perfection.

As I displayed strength, it turned to obstinacy. Independence to rebellion. And high standards to judgementalism. I was the worst hypocrite of them all and I hate hypocrisy.

What had been intended as a perfect mask, to look as though I had it all together; all figured out. Displayed as though my life was in perfect view of everyone and I was the intended golden example. It had turned into a destructive mask that took away from who I really was and all that I had hoped to portray.

So often I think we see ourselves as followers of Jesus and get caught up in this lie that we are supposed to be perfect. That we are such a holy example that if we fall, all the world around us is watching and they will fail.

Don’t get me wrong we should be good examples.

What we shouldn’t be is liars.

You see I had wrapped myself up so perfectly to show myself beautiful but had in the process made a mess of ugliness, so far from beauty that I wasn’t even recognizable.

I distanced myself. From family, friends, my emotions. Trapping myself in my mind, I failed to live up to the full potential that God had placed within me.

I realized then that God was the make-up remover. As I worked to make myself up. Up to the standards of the church. Up to the expectations of family and friends. Up to the bar of society. Up, up, up.

I was only making up what I was: who I was, how I was. Wrapping myself in lies of comfort; illusions of perfection I failed to paint a picture of true beauty and instead hid from the world the design that God had for me.

You see, God wants to use our brokenness. He wants to heal our broken hearts but he wants to use our journey from pieces to peace, to tell the world of His glory, His beauty and His grace.

What happens when we hide these trials and instead seek to appear perfect and wonderful, is that God can’t use the brokenness if we refuse to admit that it was ever there.

As I wiped away the layers of filth and lies, to reveal the hidden scars from past mistakes, regrets and sins, I found that I was truly beautiful in God, inside and out.

The Thought That Made the World Fall

I know I am supposed to tell you about my life while I am away and keep you updated and all sorts of that fancy stuff and what not. But let’s face it, because anybody who knows me knows, I suck at small talk. I am truly terrible at it. So why should I make you suffer through reading what I have suffered much to write. And then we can all pretend that we enjoyed the charade of reading about what I ate (or didn’t eat) for lunch. If it is insisted upon I will fill you in on such tedious details briefly. Followed by what I am learning in life, which is much more interesting and I am greatly better at discussing.

I work in the kitchen. Not every day, rather every other Saturday and Sunday, for sixteen hours in total. Thirty-two hours a month. Eight hours less a month than the normal two hours a day has you working. It is a pretty good deal too because you can eat more and pick something different if you don’t like what is being served. Plus I get to say all sorts of random stuff to people as they come through to get there food.

I have had quite a many adventures here so far. Such as: breaking our toilet by flushing the toilet roll holder down it on accident (Yeah, I didn’t know it was possible either). Or losing my bathing suit in the ocean, in a wave to be precise that, once gone, left me on the beach; out of the water. Thank God that it was at night and the only people super close were girls that I knew. Did I mention those were both in the same day? I also happened to have one of my roommates twist her ankle worse than any that I have ever seen, while we were walking to get me a drink. But my wonderful friend and her husband also surprised me, which was great. And I have learned quite a few things, including dance styles that I have never had the opportunity to do before.

I am learning to serve without recognition and keep a good attitude. I am learning to follow. I am learning that I am not always right and that I do not always know what is best for me. I am learning that even when people do things the harder, longer, less successful way, if it still works, sometimes I should just mess up with them and let them figure it out. I am learning that respect should be given even if it isn’t earned (to an extent). I am learning that submission means that you do something you don’t like.  I am learning that keeping a good attitude is actually easier than having a bad one. Mostly because it makes you happier (don’t get me wrong, the struggle is still difficult but the state of mind is easier on you as a person). I am learning that love requires feeling. And in order to really love someone or something, you have to break yourself a little, so there is room for it to fit. I am learning that most things in life are difficult.

But what I want to discuss is what I am learning about Temptation.

First, however, there are two things I want you to know.

1.       I often use words that do not exist. Like turning nouns into adjectives and adding prefixes or suffixes that shouldn’t be there.  I know they are not in the dictionary but I use them, thus they are a word. I am only telling you this so that I don’t have to explain later.

2.       I have not read every version of the Bible. But I have seen quite a few. As far as I know an apple is not mentioned anywhere in the Bible. When it comes to the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you can think it is an apple if you would like to. If it makes it easier for you to picture something or draw the fruit, that is all right too. But I have one question for you, if it was really an apple should you really be eating it still? I know it was not about the fruit but the choice, yet still, it is a little irkish, or perhaps just odd, to me.

All right, now I am ready to discuss the TEMPTING.

Temptation is a funny thing that really holds no humor when you think about it. It changes its face so often that it becomes harder and harder to recognize. It is something that builds upon itself; taking less and less for us to give in to it each time it surfaces its ugly head.

Revealing the weaknesses we did not know to recognize as our own.

I find that there are times when we battle temptation, that our defense weakens instead of grows strong. That in fighting a battle, instead of being strengthened in our victory, we recognize our temptation and that makes it easier for us to fail the next time.

Do we not feel proud when we look away from all that we desire but cannot possess? Do we not feel triumph at our strength to turn down the delicious thing that will kill us in the end?

Perhaps.

What decides when it strengthens us and when it enables us?

It is not the victory that weakens us. It is dwelling on what we defeated, instead of rejoicing in victory.

May I give you an example?

Assume with me for one moment that you cannot have chocolate, for whatever reason. You are out with friends and someone offers you chocolate. You turn it down and thank them. Maybe you even make the effort to purposefully walk away. You congratulate yourself on your success and examine all the reasons why you cannot consume the chocolate. You tell yourself how well you did. You have walked away and you have overcome but the issue is this: your mind is still focused on the chocolate; the temptation. It is consumed by it.

So it is not the triumph that weakens us, nor even the acknowledgement of our weakness, but dwelling on the temptation that weakens us.

Thinking about temptation may be the first step to giving in to it but it is also the first step to overcoming. It is where our thoughts, and hence our actions, follow after that determines whether we fall, or rise.

I will explain further. It is not so much knowing our weakness, but dwelling on our temptation that is the issue.

You disagree? Allow me a moment to explain.

The first time someone shows you something that you cannot have and you realize that you want, it weakens you.

Interestingly enough, the fight to defeat temptation and stand strong, and the fall toward it, begin with the same steps.

Let us take a look.

The steps to giving in to temptation (In Order):

1.       The knowledge that you want it.

2.       The reason that you cannot or should not have it.

3.       Thinking about it (even why you can or should not have it).

4.       Breaking down the fences.

5.       Compromise.

6.       Retreat.

The steps to fighting temptation and winning (After step one there is no particular order):

1.       The knowledge that you want it.

2.       The reason that you cannot or should not have it. (You only need one to three. Any more and you have slipped into step three of the loser’s list.)

3.       Walk away (remove it if you can).

4.       Prayer.

5.       Accountability.

6.       Fill yourself with Good so you won’t desire the evil. (Scripture, the good that is opposite, etc.)

7.       Find the root of the issue, don’t focus on the small part of it that tempts you, then fix it. (Why do I want things that are bad for me. Why is this a struggle. Not why do I like this. Why can’t  I have this.)

Notice how the first two are the same? The choice comes once you have already begun the process.

It is in the course of convincing yourself not to do something that you can so easily fall to why you should do it.

Consider the fall of man.

It didn’t start with a bite. It started with a thought.

Think of Adam and Eve.

A garden full of wonders and delights. Fruits and Vegetables and Plants. Animals roaming freely and in peace. Harmony with God as they walked side by side with him. What more could they desire? They had everything that they could ever need. All that they could ever want.

There was only one thing that they could not have. One tree from which they could not eat.

No big deal right? I mean seriously, think of all the things that we have on earth. Every plant. Every tree. Every fruit. They had all of them. In abundance. Every single one of them. And they were content. Not only content but Ecstatic! They were seriously rocked by God’s love. They could not imagine a desire for anything more.

And then there was the serpent.

Crafty little thing as it was, it came to tempt; to steal, kill and destroy. But not the way that you would think.

The serpent didn’t outright tell Eve that she could eat the fruit. It didn’t even mention any specific tree. Instead of an ambush Eve was met with a question.

“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” (Genesis 3:1 Emphasis mine).

Seems harmless, right. Think about it. How many times are we presented with similar questions?

On a diet? Do you not often hear the question, “So you can’t eat ANYTHING that tastes good?”

As a Christian, “So you can’t have ANY fun?”

Harmless enough, right?

Sure. Until we defend it. The seemingly simple and generic question, creates an accusing tone that automatically puts us on the defense of the real issue. Our minds jump to what we cannot have.

How about we look at what happened next.

Eve’s reply to the serpent’s question?

“We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

“You must not touch it.” Where did that come from?

Eve had already drawn a line. Even farther away from the tree than God had required of her. When we see God’s instructions in Genesis 2:17 “You must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die,” we see that He only instructed them not to eat from the tree. He never said, as far as we see from scripture, that they could not touch it. But that is where they stood. Away from the tree: Away from temptation.

They did not even know that they wanted it. They were satisfied.

But NOW Eve was thinking about the tree. She was explaining why she could not eat it. And suddenly the rules became unsturdy.

(Here is her conversation with herself in my head.)

Eve’s mind: “I will die if I eat it. And God said not to and He made me and everything so He has to be right and I love Him so I wouldn’t want to disappoint Him. I can’t eat it. I can look at it. Now that I think of it, God didn’t actually say we couldn’t TOUCH it. Only, that we couldn’t eat it. I could probably touch it now that I think of it. It actually looks pretty good. It looks just like the fruit that we eat all the time. Pretty fulfilling. I am definitely not eating it but I can look at it, it seems more reasonable that I can look at it.”

And all of a sudden, in that moment Eve realized she wanted it.

Well, duh! It wouldn’t be temptation if we didn’t want it! Exactly. Stay with me for a second, it might make sense eventually.

Back to Eve’s mind. “Well, God did say I would die if I ate it so I definitely cannot do that! I cannot eat the fruit.” Now, what had before never been an issue, was the only thing on her mind. Even if she was telling herself why she could NOT have it she was still thinking about why she WANTED it.

Back to the serpent. “You will not certainly die, … For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:4-5).

Eve’s mind: “Well of course I will die. God said I would die. I can’t eat it because I will die. Adam will die we can’t eat the fruit. The delicious, vibrant, juicy looking fruit. That fruit. Just that one. Why can’t it be that one over there that I can’t eat? Hello, this one looks way better. Why does this one need to be so good looking? But it is and I can’t have it because God doesn’t want me to. Maybe it will open my eyes, it is called the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God would want me to know about good. How else am I supposed to be good if I don’t know what good is? But I can’t have it. I shouldn’t have it. Even if I wanted it I couldn’t. But it does look good.”

She was thinking about it. And she took a step closer. Just to examine why she couldn’t have it exactly.

 “At least I can touch it. He didn’t actually SAY that. It is really smooth and it is going to kill me. Or make me really smart.”

She reasoned. She told herself why it was wrong. She had all of the answers. But she dwelled on it. And as she dwelled she stepped closer and closer. Then she picked it up. She felt it. She smelled it. And she realized somewhere along the way she had crossed the fence. And eating it didn’t seem like such a huge leap, now it was only a small step. And plus it wouldn’t REALLY kill her. Maybe if she took only a small taste. She held it to her lips. Opened her mouth. And bit. The sweet nectar filled her mouth. She chewed. She swallowed. She handed it to her husband. He ate. The world fell.

All because she realized that she wanted it.

Obviously there is more to it than that. And that really isn’t the issue. The issue comes when, after giving a few reasons why you can’t have it (one, two, at most three), you continue to think about why it is wrong and it becomes all you think about. And to convince yourself why you can’t have something, you begin to examine why you want it and slowly you talk yourself into it one step at a time.

How do we fight something that weakens us just by acknowledging that we are fighting it?

Well we cannot do it alone if that is what you were thinking of. Maybe the step of why you can’t have it is a good one, just not one that can be handled alone. Sound arguments are best heard from the mouths of others. We can convince ourselves of anything.

What do you think would have happened if Eve had asked someone else? Someone who wasn’t tempted by the fruit?

“Yeah, you are totally right we should eat that and die. Awesome! Can’t believe we haven’t thought of this yet!”

Yeah, probably not. I’m thinking it would have looked more like this:

“Hey, we agreed we weren’t going to even touch that stuff remember? Why don’t we look over here. This fruit is just as good. It tastes Amazing and it fills us completely! Listen, if you still have questions about it, why don’t we talk with God ourselves and see if He can explain?”

Eve was supposed to have an accountability partner. His name was Adam. Problem was, Adam, instead of standing strong and reasoning against the fruit, just stood there, silently.

Here is where Adam failed. He saw his wife reasoning. He saw her compromise. And instead of guiding her, he looked the other way.

You see, I don’t think the temptation for Adam was the fruit. I think it was the woman.

Why do you think the serpent went to the woman in the first place?

They both needed to eat it, right? But knowledge wasn’t the temptation for Adam.

While Eve defended to the serpent, Adam stood there.

He didn’t say a word.

The moment Adam stood there, silently, and failed to help Eve defend their decision to not even touch the tree, he realized that he desired the woman more than he desired God.

And his defense?

“The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” (Gen. 3:12).

Even his excuse focused on Eve.

For Adam, it was about the woman; for Eve, the fruit.

Eve loved knowledge more. Adam loved the woman more.

But in the end their temptation was the same: themselves.

And they both fell, naked into death.

And it all started with a thought.

How could Eve have gone the other way?

“I want the fruit. But God said I couldn’t have it and it will kill me and I love Him. I need to walk away and seek the Lord. Lord help me not to want the fruit. I should eat some other fruit so then I am not even hungry. Then I will not want the fruit. Adam, Lord, I have a desire for the fruit that is going to kill me I need your help to strengthen me.”

So next time you find yourself staring at chocolate (or whatever) that you can’t or shouldn’t have what do you do?

You see it. You recognize that you can’t have it. You tell yourself the reason why. You give yourself a reason to not give in. You walk away.

Here’s the choice.

You can either continue to convince yourself of why you can’t have it:

I am so glad I didn’t take the chocolate. I am so glad I walked away. Especially because that sounds so good and it is right there. I can’t have it though, because I am on a diet. I have been eating well. I really am making progress. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal but I am glad I didn’t take it.

You walked away but you are still thinking about the chocolate. It is still on your mind.

Or you congratulate yourself and move on. Talk with God and an accountability partner and together find the root and change it:

Instead, you tell yourself you can’t have it. You made a decision not to. It is bad for you. Good job on walking away. You change the topic in your own mind. Tell someone about your struggle, maybe ask that the option be removed. Tell them to not let you have it. Definitely pray. Eat some celery or something healthy so you’re not even hungry. (I realize this step looks a lot different depending on the temptation but you can work that out with whoever is holding you accountable.) Figure out why you want what you can’t have and address the issue head on. In the open. But no more thought about chocolate. Just why you want what you can’t have.

Does it make sense or am I still confusing?

It is all right if you don’t understand. Or even don’t agree. But this is what I think and it has worked so far. Unfortunately, both ways.